Wednesday, January 28, 2004 | Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Been raining non-stop, on-and-off these few days, ever since friday. Sigh. And it's been so cold. Sigh i hate feeling cold. Especially when the cold feeling's on the inside. I hate the rain; there's just something so depressing about it. I think i won't survive in temperate countries. Grr what more of the two months in NZ this yearend? I guess i won't spend the entire two months there then. School's just so dreary now every single day. I force myself to listen in lectures, but sometimes it gets so boring especially when a certain shapely figure goes up during econs period and starts yaddling away...now that's really zzz time. Geog econs lit. Somehow i can't feel the As materialising. As in getting As for A levels. Sigh gotta get down to hard work SOON. All my J1 foundation work's not there; everything flew out of the head as soon as promos were over; oh wait, nothing was ever there in the first place. I just can't wait for this whole year to be over la! Feeling so blue right now. Everything in my life can't move forward except for the studying bit. Oh and guess what's going on on valentine's day?? Hear the excitement in my voice. Our very own college's second road run! Wow. Come on la, seventeen and eighteen year olds do have a life ok? Who wants to wake up on a bright Vday morning just to go running. Yeesh. It's very cold now, just stopped raining. Again. A warm hand to hold on to now is just what i need.

Monday, January 26, 2004 | Monday, January 26, 2004

Just did a little snip snip off my fringe. Managed to satisfy this urge i have to cut my hair..for the moment. At least now it isn't poking into my eyes. Hate it you know, this feeling i get once every two months after i've done some major cutting. Grr grr it frustrates me that i'm a slave to my own vanity, that i want to change my look every two months. Why two?! Just last november i had a major haircut disaster where i stalked out of the hairdresser's looking butch, and which i thankfully righted by changing my centre parting to a side one. And i guess i did catch someone's eye when i changed it right? Haha. But to come back to the present now, my hair's still fine, except for the fact that my fringe was irritatingly poking into my eyes until a few minutes ago. Thank goodness for observing all the hairdressers throughout the years and picking something up! And The Last Samurai is good. Inspite of it being too gory at some parts, bleah, nevertheless, damn good plot. Wenta watch it with Eli, Jem, Nat and Daryl yesterday. And my sour mood just came on. Wah lau. It's frustrating when you try hold something to you, hug it to your chest, try protect it from the world, but in the end it gets wrenched away from you. And you're left screaming away into the darkness. While people could be laughing away, pointing at you behind your back. In fact, to sum up in one word how i feel the whole situation is: irritating. But, resignation is a must. Oh well, on to the next day of drudging around dusty textbooks and hearing the dreariness of the teacher's voice going on and on and on..SIGH. And pe!!! Always look on the bright side of life..doodoo..doodoodoodoodoodoo..

Friday, January 23, 2004 | Friday, January 23, 2004

I feel very proud of myself today; managed to accomplish one thing i haven't done in a very very looong time: stuff my face till puking point. Yay. Let's see, wenta jupiter road late morning with my mouth already drooling at the thought of mee siam and more mee siam. And i wasn't disappointed. Ate two plates of it, plus 6 kueh pie tee and many pieces of agar agar as expected. Yumyum!! My tummy was so bulgy after that i had guilt pangs (and gas pangs from all that root beer). So i waddled on to the next stop at my cousin's place at seletar where i saw photos of her own JC's england trip in '01! Argh! All the places she went to are the exact same places mdm yew intends to bring the meridianites to in march! And all those places look so darn good; my cousin looks so darn good in all the photos! I was just enviously flipping through the album murderously. I so want to go, but the prices so turn me off; 2.5k for 8 days?! Plus the fact that one pound is equivalent to 3 sing dollars. Shoosh, who has that kind of money. I'd just be eating bread and butter if i went there, and no souvenirs for me. I wonder how it'd be like if i were rich. Muahaha rich. Anywayy, after that went on to lunch part II at christine's mum's house in sengkang. Wah lau, the food she cooked was like damn nice la. Chinese restaurant standard. Shark's fin soup, prawns, ngoh hiang, steamed bass etc etc. It all smelt so good that i just couldn't bear to refuse eating. But after a few bites, i realised that it wasn't a good idea and almost puked out what food i had in my mouth. Then i had to stop eating. Sigh, you know how rarely i get good food coming my way?! And by good food i mean those not overtly-healthy food like fish porridge and porridge and more porridge. Today was good man; first authentic nonya food, then authentic chinese food. Mmm i like. Fell asleep there without meaning to cuz i was so so tired; so embarrassing; i mean, you visit someone else's house, then you fall asleep there..err. Lucky i didn't drool, heaven forbid. Went on to korkor and christine's house in punggol and promptly dozed off there again. Was revived with a cup of espresso with ice cream and when my darling cousins came. :) So nice, catching up with them and taking all those crazy shots with the digicam. We are such narcissists! Yepp then went on to their own house at bedok and messed around there. Enjoyed a nice nice massage on their osim chair, sighh. I love massages. Yup, pretty fulfilling second day, even though i earned less than 0.01% of what i earned yesterday, haha. And my tummy's still bulging out. Fear not eunicegirl, there's pe next week to take away all the fats. SIGH.

Thursday, January 22, 2004 | Thursday, January 22, 2004

Haven't had the mood to blog these few days..but oh well, since it's CNY and all. :) Was super worn out on monday and tuesday, forgot what i was doing, but guess the CNY rehearsal and last-minute shopping had something to do with it. And i found out the importance of SLEEP on tuesday. Walked around like a zombie the entire day and got really upset at some people. pms? Haha. Woke up damn early on wed morning to report for CNY performance. And oo i was the mum of two weirdos! Ben, the barbie-crazy sissy belly-baring one which i henceforth disown, and rizal, the wolverine-crazy one. *shudder. My future sons better not turn out like them. And you know, i was so tired that morning i nearly fell asleep watching the lion dance after that. Like how screwed up can you get. Then wenta orchard with nic in my 'mum' costume, felt like such an idiot wearing sth i'd wear to church to town, and did some last-minute shopping. Saw this really really nice jap/korean (not sure) blouse which i really liked and it fitted me perfectly, but sigh, guilt over spending so much these past few days, especially that 42 bucks on foundation, stopped me from buying it. Darn it! You know how hard it is to find something that you really like? Ah but that's besides the point. Fast forward to this morning, CNY morning when i had trouble getting up. But still, managed to do a decent job of slathering on the makeup gunk and went house-visiting. Me and sheryl turned up in almost-identical outfits! Haha, talk about great minds thinking alike. Only visited two houses and then went home, thank goodness. I was almost dropping off from lack of sleep. Slept the entire afternoon away and now here i am. Tomorrow gonna visit my dad's auntie susan, yay! Mee siam, kueh pie tee, agar agar...here i come!! Every year i look forward to her mee siam. Once when i was 16, even when i had a fever (on the first day of CNY no less) and nausea, i still insisted on going all the way there for her mee siam. It's THAT good. Nothing beats authentic nonya food. :) The thought of stuffing my face with good food tmr already cheers me up. Had three full bowls of my grandma's chicken babichin this morning, urp. Feel my stomach bulging already. Ok, time to go meditate on the thought of MORE FOOD tomorrow. Wheee!!

Sunday, January 18, 2004 | Sunday, January 18, 2004

Sigh i didn't kid when i said that 2oo4 will be so full of trials amd temptations. So much going on now; i don't know whether to feel happy/sad. Mostly happy stuff i guess? This weekend was beautiful; at least, friday and saturday were. Cuz i got to spend most of it with someone special. Burtt. A levels first. Grr. Irritating. Only today do i know what it really is to stare at someone from afar. The second last year of my teenage life and i can't live life every day like i want to. Sigh. I don't want to screw up A levels..howwl. And after that it's hopefully NUS and Campus Crusade. Yep, that's basically just my short-term goal so far. Anyway, i'm too tired now to think any further. To you: thanks for putting the brakes last night, and thanks for caring so much to want to do so even though it isn't easy. :)

Thursday, January 15, 2004 | Thursday, January 15, 2004

I am so pissed. My mum just made me kill two fishes. I mean, i hate fishes, i think they're just horrible useless creatures which you can't pet, they can't understand you and you can't understand them. And they taste horrible. Every bite's a potential death situation. They are stupid creatures. But still. My mum just brought home two fishes in a bag with only just a little water in it to keep them alive but not swimming. It's so horrible, can you imagine the fact that everytime the water flows to the extreme side of the bag when it's being carried around, the poor fishes can't breathe for those agonising moments? Waiting and waiting and waiting for the cruciating moment when air can finally come rushing back into their poor gills? I hate fish. But this is simply too cruel. And my mum expected me to kill them off so we could eat them for dinner. She cut the bag open and then just asked me to drain off all the water. Wah lau. If you could've seen those fishes struggle and the water splashing about. It's affected my mind. I feel horrible. I just singlehandedly killed off two lives. And now it's not as if we're gonna eat them. In fact my mum's changed her mind and wants to throw them down the chute instead. Died, dead, gone for nothing. What a waste of LIFE. And no i will never eat those fishes.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 | Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Only yesterday did i realise how important it is to really really communicate well with your parents, in order to have this..can't quite phrase it, but in order to have this warm feeling inside. I was feeling quite desperate last night about my situation and everything, going around these past few days with the feeling that everything and everyone was against me and my shadow. And i had such a heavy burden in my heart. So i decided to sit my mummy down..and really really talk to her. I can't remember how long since i've talked to her like that, gosh, but it felt so so good to load everything off her, and i told her everything so freely and abandonly. At the end of it all, she just gave me a hug and told me that so long as i remain close to God, she trusts me with him. I felt so amazed at her response! Thank God that she was so open and accepted everything so readily; really surprising. It's one thing to seek people-close-to-my-heart's advice, but it's another entirely different thing to have your mum's approval on your choices in life. Only at that point in time did i realise one thing: How much i treasure the fact that she trusts me now. Thank you mummy, i love you. :) The most important thing is to have your whole family bless a relationship you're considering/having. Not condemn it. And i'm so glad that i'm finally heading in that direction. Please God help me to do everything according to your will and purpose. And thank you too that andy's dad is already in heaven in your presence and splendor. Amen.

Monday, January 12, 2004 | Monday, January 12, 2004

Won't you tell me what you're feeling now / So many dreams/hopes/desires i have, / Do you share the same? / To just fly away into the unknown / Total bliss or heartbreak; who knows? / Do you feel the same? / You seem so near yet so far, / Someone who's here yet not here. / Do you feel the same? / ..about me?

Wednesday, January 07, 2004 | Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Feel like murdering the computer..if it could be murdered. Feel like strangling its fat grey body slowly out of existence with a piece of wire. Or to make things easier, i could simply pull out its wire and watch it die a silent flickering death. But then again, it's not even alive. It's just a useless piece of scrap metal. I want my bloody SAT score. On a lighter note, I spotted three cute J1s yesterday. And oo they were all wet from the games. Just pure, erm, looking, haha. And i haven't shopped for new year clothes too, shoot. Need to do some serious shopping this weekend. And all those late nights these past days finally paid off; i'm done with my holiday homework. Yay..can finally get a peaceful night's sleep. Speaking of sleep..sigh what a nice word. Sleeeep.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004 | Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I solely want to complain today. It's such a burden, all these complaints loading up on my mind and crowding it. We mjcians received our new pe attire yesterday. And i'm glad to say it really really sucks. I sound like an ingrate, i know, but i really hate it. The whole jersey soccer shirt look..the tight tight shorts that gives you gastric pain cuz it clamps on your tummy.. Girls do NOT look cool in soccer t-shirts i tell you. Especially when normal-sized ones like me look like biiig white and dark blue tents when the wind goes "whoosh!". Inspite of the fact that it says "small size". Is that the smallest they can go?! I paid 23 bucks just to look like a tent?! Really this serious miscalculation of size is a discriminatory element to all skinny girls here. It's not our fault we are skinny ok. Ok fine, i'll just speak about myself. It's not my fault that i'm skinny. Hey i want those bits of flesh in all the right parts too!! The part about the shorts giving me gastric..i guess that can be written off as a warning sign to get rid of those flabs, but i do not want to pay 23 bucks to look like a tent! And today's first pe lesson was such a killer. We ran two rounds around the track first as warmup, then did 3 circuits around the track (running ard the track 3 MORE times, doing burppies, situps, chinups, benchpresses, pushups and this back thing). At 3 pm in the afternoon. Killer! Those pe teachers are sadists! Hello, it's just after the holidays, obviously almost every single person hasn't been exercising on his/her own (i mean, who would?!) and we're all out of shape. And they choose this first lesson to majorly kill us. Yaddi daddi da. And you know the best bit? While we were all gathered in a group in the shelter after the lesson trying to cool down, panting and stinking in our own sweat, we saw those teachers troop happily back into their own air-conditioned room.. Talk about irony. And the food! My best friend at VJ gained 1o kg ever since she went there..attributing that amazing weight gain to the wonderful food there. I've lost 2 kg over the past year over. What does that say about the food here? Prices of the food went up too, gah. Horrible.. I love eunice's mum ok, thank goodness she's catering to the hungry needs of A202's ppl. She's gonna supply us with our lunch from now on, only 2 bucks a packet, delivered fresh to our school everyday at 1235! Today's lunch was fried rice, yumyum, tmr's spaghetti!! Haha, we finally got the better of those moneysucking hawkers. Back to catching up on schoolwork, sigh. Those periods of NOT doing my holiday homework's taking its toll on me now. Sigh. The only good thing's that happened are the good comments i've been getting on my new fringe. :) Gotta bathe now, ah, school simply sucks.

Friday, January 02, 2004 | Friday, January 02, 2004

God, i'm your willing and humble servant. Fill me, fill this empty shell with your Holy Spirit, give me wisdom, courage, strength and unshakable faith. As you told wendy to tell me so many months ago, that with faith in you, i eunice tan, can move mountains. God, even though i still don't see a clear vision of myself doing so, i trust you. I trust that with you living inside of me, i willl come out of 2oo4 a wiser, more matured and much better christian and sister-in-christ to all around me. I trust that eventually, with you guiding me i will move mountains. You've shown me how much you love me, how you did not let me go inspite of me running away. You let me feel the terror and vulnerability when i ran away God, but you drew me back, so gently and so lovingly like the prodigal son, and reminded me of how great and unconditional is your love. "How sad it is to watch a person thrive physically yet at the same time witness the decay of their soul." How true. I've done some blog-reading, some of people i hardly know, some i initially thought had everything a girl wanted: looks, goodlooking boyfriend, promising side careers, coolhipwhatever, regular trips to pubs, glamglamwham. Then i read on and see the fragile self-esteem they build on their 'careers', the insecurity they have about their appearance, the way they cling to their boyfriends as if it's life and death, and the puking after drinking and clubbing early into the morning. This girl's declaration of God having no place in her life. Fascinating to read, but horrible to imagine. Of course, these writings could all be a facade, but what if? Their constant going on about their slowly-accumulating body, tongue piercings, tattoos, ability to hold in their alcohol, sleeping on the same bed as their boyfriends (with their arms around each other no less), smoking. Did i leave anything out? Do i sound like a prude? I don't care if i do. I'm blessed to have the complete opposite of such a lifestyle then. And one more resolution: nolookingatguys. Understand? Ok, i concede, looking is unavoidable, but no touching. Wait for the right one. God please bring him to me when i go NUS.. *And i do NOT look scrawnier after the hols.

Thursday, January 01, 2004 | Thursday, January 01, 2004

It's 2oo4! Like whoa, it's a whole new year! I'm so looking forward to it. Ya right. I so can't wait for it to be over. Big year for me, big year for all the J2s, big year for all the O level ppl. I shudder at the thought of preparing for A levels. The hardworking trait? Something i've never possessed. Yesterday was fun, my last day of full enjoyment. Well, not quite full. Did, or rather, tried to do my lit essay in the morning. By the time it was 2 plus, i'd only written one paragraph. (Ahh, but it was a QUALITY first paragraph) Most of the time was spent trying to recall how to do a lit essay, and talking on msn. Hah. Then i rushed off to meet my cousin who's a decade older than me smirk smirk to go shop shop. I had big ambitious aims to get many stuff..sadly the only substantial thing we bought together were photostickers of ourselves. Sigh. And food. And her calvinandhobbes comics. Tsktsk. Ate dinner with cell at PastaMania, of all the nice places we could've gone to at ps. Spent 7 bucks on this horrible milky supposedly-creamy pasta called al funghi (makes you think of fungae) and i barely ate half the plateful. Aiyah, everything pasta's horrible at PastaMania; i vow that i will never ever waste my money there again. Then went to church for watchnight service. During holy communion, i asked God to give me strength to endure this new year, and of course, to let it be a smooth-flowing one. Yes, i will survive. I've never gone into a new year with such trepidation before. :( I was feeling so happy when we were counting down, looking forward to the new year where everyone would again grow a year older and wiser. Then i saw him and my good mood dissipated. Sigh when'd we go back to being normal. Yep then we all counted down in church and lit up candles. Very beautiful sight; but the good feeling stopped when the wax on my candle dribbled onto my hand. Ouch. We then decided to walk over to east coast. See, problem was, i hadn't done a speck of hw. Nah-ah. Notonebit. So there i was, having this leetle worry at the back of my head while we were walking over to east coast, but at the same time, i so wanted to have one last bit of fun before school starts and spend the night at the beach. Then it was like a Godsent sign, or perhaps a guilt-ridden conscience come alive: this signpost out of nowhere appeared saying "A levels Economics Tuition, call this no:---- or go to www.econstuition.com". It was like one big smack in the face. I started screaming in the dark night. Took the heart right out of my enthusiasm. So me and sam took a cab back home while the rest went on to east coast, lucky toads. Cab fare was horrible, what a ripoff! I can't wait to start learning how to drive..hehe..5 months more! I've spent my entire week's allowance already, mostly on paying cab fares and midnight surcharges. I'm so gonna starve tmr in school. Have to steal from my piggybank again. Sigh, school school back again..hafta see all those *glower pale blue uniforms bright and disgustingly early tmr. School. I better fit into my skirt still.